Goodbye Ol Buddy



Curtis and I said our final goodbyes to Max this evening, and I stayed with Max, crooning to him until his final heartbeat. Poor Curtis couldn't bear to watch him go, and waited in the car. The house is emptier now, and we have boxer-shaped holes in our hearts, but the vet helped us by confirming what we already knew but needed to hear: that Max no longer had any quality of life, and we were doing the right thing. In a week or so we will get an urn with his ashes, and after spring thaw we'll find a lovely spot for it among the flowers in our garden.

I picture him up in heaven, frolicking with his old basset brother Freddie and my beloved chow Jinx, being walked and spoiled with dog cookies by my dad.

Update on Me

We spent 5 gruelling hours at the CancerCare centre today, most of it waiting. Ultimately, we met with the oncological radiologist, whom I have met previously, since I taught his son and daughter, both wonderful kids. The man is a sweetheart, and incredibly knowledgeable and consoling. He wants to carefully decide which radiation technique to use on my parotid (jaw) tumor, as there are several approaches he can take. To do this, he needs to examine my films, which were tied up in the surgical department today. He said he can rid me of my tibia pain "no problem", with just one radiation treatment. That would be wonderful.

He figures my radiation regimen will start in a couple of weeks, and be every day (Mon-Fri) for 2-3 weeks. He discussed with us, at length, the possible side effects, including burns and the permanent loss of function of one of my salivary glands.

We didn't get a chance to speak to my oncologist, although he was there in the same clinic - he was just too busy, and I was too exhausted to wait around any more to catch him between patients. But he is fully aware of these latest happenings; not only did the jaw specialist telephone him at home last night and fill him in, but he was peering over the radiologist's shoulder at my file today. I should be hearing from him very soon about starting chemotherapy.

There is no hope of a cure. To catch you up to speed, I have renal cell metastases in my right lung (3 lesions), my abdomen (2 tumors), my left parotid gland, my left thyroid gland, and probably my right tibia. The goal of the rad and chemo is to shrink or slow the growth of the tumors and buy me more time. This is a challenge, because renal cell cancer is highly resistant to treatments that are effective in treating most other cancers.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers. Your support means the world to me, and it really does help.

My Bone Biopsy Has Been Cancelled

Devastating news: This evening, Dr. Nason phoned to tell me that they did further tests on the fluid they took from the tumor in my jaw. It contains renal cancer cells. My cancer has metastasized to my parotid and thyroid glands. There will be no surgery of any kind, so no need to determine whether or not what is in my tibia is bone metastasis.

Curtis and I are meeting with Dr. Nason at 10 am tomorrow. He will be setting me up for a consultation with his radiologist. He also promised to get hold of my oncologist, Dr. Czaykowski, in the hopes that my chemo and radiation can be launched immediately.

This is the worst possible news. But I will not lose faith or give up the fight.

The Latest on Max

His urine is quite diluted, which can be an indicator of several things. Diabetes (several kinds) has been ruled out by both blood and urine counts, so the doc thinks his problem could be due to one of two things: either a hormonal deficiency common in older neutered males, or a tumor or bone spur on the spinal nerve that is interfering with the function of the urinary sphincter. The latter is very difficult to determine even with an x-ray, the former relatively easy to treat with a monthly testosterone shot (looks like you were right on the money there, Dr. David), which costs only around 20 bucks. The vet figures we should try the hormone treatment first. If that's the appropriate treatment, the problem should be relieved within 48 hours of Max getting injected. The trouble is, she has to order it in, and although she hopes to get it by Friday, there's a good chance she won't get it until Monday. In the meantime, we'll have to confine Max and do a lot of mop duty.

I'm praying that Max's incontinence is resolved by a simple monthly injection. Then we can keep the ol boy around for a while yet and be spared a lot of heartache. If the problem is due to spinal nerve damage, there's not much to be done, as the most effective medication for that (PPA mentioned by Kathy in a comment) is contraindicated because of Max's heart problems. Because the doctor says that could be the cause of Max's unsteadiness and hindquarter weakness, Curtis is inclined to think that's the true problem. As for his heart ailment, I think we'll let nature take its course.

Another theory is that Max has a neurological problem, perhaps due to a brain tumor. That's difficult to diagnose and treat, as well.

Whatever his malady, Max is clearly feeling lousy. He is listless, wobbly and miserable. Curtis took him out when he got home, and the poor dog almost fell tryin to get up the one step into our house. "He's not gonna make it," Curtis said sadly.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to post again. I will get back to blogland as soon as I am able.

God bless you all.

Crisis

Max seems to have lost control of his bladder. He drinks a great deal (and I hate to deprive him of water, for fear of dehydration), and he keeps urinating in the house. Curtis took him out twice within an hour, and still Max peed on the livingroom carpet. When I took him out right after his accident, he went again outside. I'm at my wit's end, because I cannot bear to have our carpets repeatedly soiled. Curtis left for work in tears this morning, sayin sadly that "we'll just have to get rid of him; we'll get rid of everything I have."

The results of Max's bloodwork were all normal, and do not account for any urinary dysfunction.

For now I have confined Max to the kitchen, where he is sleeping on his dog bed. How can we manage this, with me having surgery tomorrow morning, and likely on crutches for a few days following?

At this point, I am feeling utterly defeated and stressed out. If we have Max put down because he is ill and suffering, I can accept that; but if we do so merely because he has become troublesome, I won't be able to live with myself. I know that as my own condition deteriorates, I will not be able to care for an incontinent geriatric dog.

Update: The vet called; Max's ECG was, indeed, abnormal. The cause of this cannot be determined without an ultrasound, which would cost another $200. I discussed his incontinence, which is not related to any heart ailment, and she said that needs to be investigated right away through a urinalysis. So my job is to collect some pee and deliver it to the veterinary hospital today, to see if they can determine whether he has something that the bloodwork could not detect. We'll do that first before we take any other measures. David, I will ask about hormones, thanks.

Update to the Update: While I was in the basement finding appropriate containers for Max's urine sample, he flooded the kitchen floor with enough liquid to fill Lake Mead. Needless to say, after I cleaned up that mess, he couldn't produce more when I took him outside. An hour later I took him out, and was reaching to place the plastic cup in the catchment area, when I slipped on the icy snow and fell, landing hard on my shoulder. After another hour and a half of waiting, I took Max out again and - Eureka - was able to achieve my purpose. I am waiting for a call from the vet with her findings. I'm praying that this is a treatable bladder infection. If so, we'll focus on that, and not pursue any more extensive heart tests. If not, I just don't know what we'll do. Tomorrow morning at 6:30 I must be at Admitting at the Health Sciences Centre, and after the biopsy I will most likely be gimped up and on crutches for a few days. I will not be able to take him out seven times in 5 hours; nor will I be able to clean up gallons of urine.

Odds n Sods

I know I haven't been around much. Just couldn't think of anything interesting to say. My bone biopsy is in a couple of days, and so much depends upon the results, which will take 2-3 weeks. I'm nervous, and I've had considerable flank pain recently, so I guess you could say I've been in a bit of a funk lately.

Everything is so expensive: The funeral pre-planning, purchase of ash niches, lawyer's fees for our wills, land title transfer and registration of the discharge of mortgage - every one of them ended up costing more than we had reckoned. Plus, we need new tires for the truck, and Curtis is getting a partial dental plate. Whew, it never ends....

Today I will probably take Max, our boxer dog, to the vet. He has been acting listless, showing some wobbly-leggedness, and having bladder accidents. At past nine years, he has reached the life expectancy for his breed; could this be the beginning of the end? This will mean, not only another hefty cost, but potentially more sorrow and loss for our household, especially for Curtis, who adores his dog.

On the bright side, we are planning a weekend of cross-border shopping in Fargo, ND in mid-March. (We will somehow find the money, because we need this.) The timing is perfect, as it's a couple of days before my big consultation, when my oncologist will finally have a battle plan in place for me. Curtis and I have never been away from the "kids" (pets) overnight before; nor have we ever stayed in a hotel together. Our plan is to board the dog; the cats will be okay with extra food and cat litter. The best part is that we are going with a group of friends. Most of the big stores have riding scooters, so I can hold up a bit better. Curtis is very excited, scoping out all the inn's features online; and we are discussing what booze we should bring back through duty-free.

Well, that's about it. I'm delighted that Sandee is finally feeling better, and I'm sending out well wishes to blogfriends who have been plagued by vicious flu bugs (Esther and her Rocky, and Leslie). And of course, hugs to Veronica, my lovely chica artist. Special thanks to all of you who have brought rays of sunshine into my world by leaving kind and supportive comments.

Next time, I'll try to do better.

Update: I left Max at the veterinary hospital for a few hours, while he undergoes an ECG and bloodwork. The ECG tapes will be sent via phone lines to an American specialist, and we'll get his analysis within 24 hours. The doctors feel that Max has an arrhythmia that's causing his weakness, as well as some sort of infection in his eyes. There are a couple of lumps that we may or may not have biopsied later, as well, depending upon his diagnosis/prognosis. The bill for all of this will be very high; we may be lookin at cancelling our Fargo weekend.

This Just Makes Me Feel Good



Can't remember where I found it, but I think it's way cool.

Somebody Please Define "Emergency" For Me

I saw my orthopedic surgeon this morning, and he has postponed my bone biopsy one week, to next Thursday. Says he has too many emergency cases to deal with. I understand where he's coming from, but given that the results of this biopsy could determine how extensive my terminal cancer is, and whether or not I will have two surgeries that could prolong my life, I'm having a little trouble bein a good sport about it.

On top of that, after the medical appointment I went to the Land Titles Office to try to get help with their indecipherable forms. What I'm trying to do is to add Curtis' name to our house title (on the advice of the lawyer who drew up our wills), to spare him the $1000 fee he would be charged if he inherited the house through my estate. Unlike seven years ago, when I had the title changed to exclude my ex's name, no one in the department is allowed to help. They tell me to take it to a lawyer. Oh great: more legal fees. I've left voice mail with the will attorney, asking him for a referral. If the fees are steep, I might as well leave things the way they are.

Colour me frustrated.

My Valentine's Surprise


lester polyester from jestures.com

When Curtis left this morning, he told me to make sure I was dressed by 10 am, because there "might be a delivery". Promptly at 10 am, the doorbell rang. I could see a huge bouquet of balloons blowin past the kitchen window. But that wasn't all....

I opened the door to a geeky guy with huge teeth, black rimmed spectacles held together by tape, flood pants, a bow tie, and red sneakers. He introduced himself as Lester Polyester, and came in and put on quite a performance for me. His patter was peppered with bits of personal information about me, and he chattered, danced and sang for about 15 minutes.

My stomach hurts from laughin so hard, and I think the cats will be in hiding for a few hours yet.

Tethered to the balloon bouquet is a big yellow duck, and a card that reads, "Had to marry a hillbilly, didn't you?" Yes, I did.

And I'm glad.

Positive Stuff



This has just been a good weekend, and for a change, it's nice to be the harbinger of good tidings.

A few days ago, I remarked to Curtis that I really ought to bake something for the after-service tea, coffee and goodies gathering at our new little church. So I whipped up a batch of my world famous melt-on-your-tongue shortbread cookies, and earmarked a zucchini pineapple loaf from the freezer, to that end. Not knowing what the protocol was or who was in charge, I brought them to church this morning. As it turns out, there is a sign-up sheet for the provision of goodies, and the person who was supposed to bring them today had forgotten. Not only that, but there wasn't a crumb of anything in the freezer that they could have relied upon. Talk about timely. And my baking was a big hit.

Yesterday while we were shopping at Wal-Mart, I spotted a purse on a shelf full of discounted toys. It was crammed full of car keys, cell phone, wallet and who knows what else. My guess is that a child sitting in Mommy's cart had dumped the purse to reach for a toy, and I knew that when the poor woman got to the checkout stand, she'd be frantic. So while I paid for our purchases, Curtis turned the purse into the customer service desk. (Of course, I had to tease him that, as he walked away with it in his big mitts, it didn't go with his shoes ha ha.) Later that evening, we were rewarded for our good deed when we won $430 at the casino.

This morning as we were headed to church, I saw a man on a bicycle pull away from a light and lose his wallet out of his hip pocket. The thing just popped out and landed, open, on the road behind him. He didn't realize a thing, so I alerted Curtis, who stopped and honked, pointing back to the roadway. The cyclist still didn't understand, so Curtis lowered the car window and shouted, "You lost your wallet, buddy." The fellow was very grateful.

Now Curtis wants to take me to the casino again.

BIOPSY RESULTS: NORMAL



Thank you all, for your prayers and good wishes. This is the first positive bit of news we've gotten since this whole mess began in early November, and it's very welcome.

Praise God!

Pass the Genes, Please



There are definite trends within my family, indicating who was "gifted" with which chromosomes, in terms of body type, hair and facial features, artistic, musical and athletic ability, and academic strengths and weaknesses. I certainly did not get the "x + y" combination that results in mathematical genius, but my brother Fred did. And so did his son, Travis.

Years ago, Travis announced that he wished to follow in his father's footsteps, career-wise, and become a chartered accountant. Given his 6 foot 7 inch frame and size 13 feet, he didn't have much difficulty "overshadowing" his ol pops physically; this Saturday past, he fulfilled his ambition by officially receiving the CA title at his convocation. In addition, he has already achieved, at the age of 24, degrees that took his dad twenty years to earn.

At the top of this post is a scan of the photograph that appeared in the Saturday Free Press in a congratulatory ad placed by the firm for which Travis works. As a sidebar, I have to remark how impressed I am that he is outnumbered by women; it's very gratifying to see young women playing such a big role in an occupation formerly dominated by men.

We're all very proud of you, Travis. Congratulations, nephew.

Waiting for Biopsy Results



Just a quick report on my consultation today before I lie down with a Tylenol 3: I had a needle biopsy done of the tumor on my jaw. The specialist was very unalarmed, saying that 80% of both parotid and thyroid tumors are benign, but given my history, we want to be sure; so his resident dug around and drew fluid with two hypodermic syringes. Curtis said it looked very painful, but it wasn't. It is now, and quite swollen, too. The doc said he would call me Monday with the results.

Curtis and I are praying that this the break we need.

Gartenschlauch

Yesterday's photo had a few of you stumped. Here's another Claes Oldenburg piece that is far more obvious. Every time I see it, I get the urge to climb and slide.



claes oldenburg 1983

Bicyclette



claes oldenburg 1990

I'd Explode First

Would you use this public facility in Houston, Texas?


view of exterior


view from interior

Time to Say Goodbye to a Friend



At the beginning of December, I wrote this post in tribute to my friend Marina's dad. Early this morning, Orville Olson left this mortal coil to walk among the spirits. Yes, walk: no more paralysis, wheelchair, pain or suffering.

I shall miss you, Orville. And I shall always remember you with the warmest affection and the deepest respect.

Goodnight, sweet prince. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

You Won't See This on Queer Eye

Life

More Bad News

I saw my lung surgeon today, and he told me that he would not do surgery on me unless a bone biopsy came up negative for cancer. That news, I was fully expecting.

What I was not expecting were the results of the ct-scan of my jaw and neck: They show a primary tumor on my parotid gland, and another large mass on my thyroid. Whether this is a second cancer, I do not know. I am seeing a throat/jaw specialist about this next Wednesday at the CancerCare Centre.

I also saw the orthopedic surgeon today, and he has scheduled my biopsy for Feb. 17.

Curtis has an important dental appointment after work, so he will be home late tonight. I don't want him to miss it, so I didn't call him at work. I did call my brother Fred, and he is coming over in a little while, just to be with me.